Spoonie Musings is a platform for discussion about the realities of living with chronic illness and mental illness.

One Year Ago...

One Year Ago...

This article contains triggering content and talk of suicidal ideation. Reader discretion is advised.

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“ You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering”

-Ernest Hemingway

       This past month, I and many others were rattled by the news that Chester Bennington, the front man of Linkin Park, committed suicide. For those of us who have survived dark periods of time when suicide seemed like the only option, it served as a reminder of how relentless depression can be. I listened to Linkin Park’s song “ Heavy” on repeat last year when I was going through a particularly hard time. It helped me so much to have a song so clearly explain what I was going through. I remember doing more research on Chester and hearing him tell his own story with depression and addiction. I specifically remember watching an interview where he said that he was in a good place at the time of the interview and was out of his depression.

       Watching his interviews and listening to his music helped me to get treatment and get through my own depression. It was heartbreaking and shocking to find out he was gone. Because that could have been me. That could have been any of us.

       One year ago, August 27th, 2016 at 12:34 p.m., I wrote a suicide note to my friends with every intention of taking my life after I completed it. I know the exact time and date because it is still in my notes in my phone serving as a reminder of how close I had gotten to not being alive because of my mental Illness. I had gone through a horrible year filled with negative major life changes and made a lot of mistakes. Being reckless had become the only thing that made me feel alive. On top of the depression caused by life changes, I also was dealing with chemical disruptions from what I now know as PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). You can read my article on that condition here. My life was hell. So, on August 27th, 2016 at 12:34 p.m., I had finally decided that there was no reason at all for me to be alive. I couldn't see one. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come up with any possible way that my life would get better, nor could I find any reason why I should keep breathing.

       That's how scary mental illness is. It tells you you aren't good enough. It tells you that no one loves you. It tells you that nothing will ever get better. It screams at you to end it.

       Today, I can 100% tell you that mental illness is a liar. Mental illness is not to be trusted.

       LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. I never thought my life would get better.  I didn't believe I would ever be happy. Holy shit was I wrong.

       I LOVE MY LIFE. I’m gonna say that again because I never thought I would be able to. I LOVE MY LIFE. I love my life not because everything is perfect but because so much has changed and has fallen into place in ways that I could never imagine. I have met so many amazing people, made so many amazing friends, and have had so many amazing experiences that I wouldn't have had if I had ended my life that day.

       I am so thankful to be alive. I am extremely lucky that my best friend called me that afternoon and came to pick me up and took care of me that night. Without her doing so I can't say that I would be here today. So thank you, Lili.

       If you are going through depression, and I know that it is so cliche for me to say this, but it will get better!  It will. I promise. I know EVERY part of you is telling you that it won't. But that's not the truth. Your mental illness is lying to you.  You will get through this and you will be better than you were before. It takes work. It takes getting diagnosed, receiving treatment, and staying on your plan. But it is possible. I am living proof of that.

       I know you may not believe it right now but you are worth the fight!

       So please!

       KEEP FIGHTING!

       If you are having suicidal thoughts please call the National Suicide Prevention line at : 1-800-273-8255

       You can also reach them online at: http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

Hold on. It gets better.

I swear,

Clarissa

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